Dootdeedoo, still nothing new to report in the ttc area except that my boobs are killing me. This, however, is normal, so, meh. Wow, that was a lot of commas.
Styles and I are Christians, something that I know can be off-putting to a lot of people, so I will clarify that we are Christians, but not those kind of Christians. Not right-leaning Christians, if you know what I mean. The most wonderful thing about being a Christian is that no matter what happens in life, you always get to hold onto the knowledge that, one day, Jesus is going to come back and restore creation. So, no matter who dies, or how polluted the earth is, or what bad things happen, one day, it will be all better.
The other day, I told Styles how I was feeling about being conflicted, and he said that we need to approach things from the proper perspective. He said that, biblically, one of the things that always stands and is always supported is family. By doing what we are doing, we are giving my father and mother the gift of family and that is always a good thing. He said that he can absolutely see my father holding his grandbaby and that is something important and holy.
It is time to come clean and admit that the main factor in this equation that is driving me batshit is my mother. She can be a bit, ahh, controlling, and, even though I have stood up for myself since my preschool years, I still get absolutely torn to shreds inside when I think I am doing something that I think she would not like. It’s a real pain in the ass, because Im trying to live my life and take care of my husband, but I still cannot help but think about what she would say about the things we choose. Over the years, I have kept a lot of things secret from her because it is just not worth it to talk to her about them. I know that someone is going to say that I need to tell her these things, but you would understand if you were here that it doesnt work like that. I do not let myself or my marriage be controlled by her, so dont think that she is some kind of meddling mother-in-law (she is a great mother-in-law, and a good mother, in fact). To her, things are to be a certain way, and I am sensitive to this. Any time the subject of Styles and I reproducing is broached, my mother asks that we please do not have kids yet because we are not “ready,” whatever that means. Alright, to her it means that we have only been married a year and a half and we live in a small one-bedroom apartment. And, yanno, Styles is going back to school. All worthy and valid points, BUT.. Why do I want this so badly? I just do. For every reason every one of those women stated, I just do. As one commenter said: “It is a very difficult thing to articulate to anyone, that primal need for a child.” Another commenter said the title of this post, and that one is going to be the closest I can ever come to explaining this desire inside of me. Perhaps it will make things easier for other people to understand, because, really, I have friends who are either pregnant or mothers who do not understand what I am talking about when I express my desires. They act like I am insane, like, who on earth would want to get pregnant straight after getting married?? Girl, the two of you need some time to yourselves because you can never give those kids back. Are you crazy?? Hrm. Did I mention that these things have been said by people who already have children?? And they still dont understand what I am feeling! Well, thinking about that has given me some perspective on how my mother may be approaching this. See, I am an only child, a planned pregnancy. My parents had separate but equally valid reasons for only wanting one child. Yes, you read that correctly; they did not have one and fail to have another or struggle with the decision to have more or not. They only wanted one. This is really leading me to believe that, perhaps, my mother never felt “the urge.” I am starting to believe that the main reason she thinks that I am not “ready” is because she never felt the things that I feel. I dont think she felt the primal urge to reproduce. I think they decided that it was “time to have a child,” and had me. This suspicion is currently being backed up by my best friend who is pregnant. She does not want to be pregnant, nor does she particularly want to have a child, but her husband does, and they are not getting any younger, so it has become “time.” She still thinks Im nuts. This has really helped me to not feel guilty (how horrible, feeling guilty about wanting a baby!), because if my mother never felt the urge, then she is simply unable to understand my feelings, and that is okay. You cannot make someone understand a feeling that they have never had. It is not going to matter if I get pregnant this month, this summer, or next year, she may never understand what we are doing. And that is a great relief. Seeing this as a matter of her not understanding is SO much easier than seeing this as a matter of stressing or disappointing her.
In case you are wondering at this point if maybe my mother has a point and we are not “ready,” we have given things a lot of thought (especially my husband). We both have good jobs, making plenty of money to care for a child. As long as I continue to work after giving birth, things will be just fine. We plan on moving to a bigger place after the baby is born. We would move sooner, but our rent is dirt cheap, so we want to milk it for as long as possible 
There is room here for a non-mobile infant. I work at a daycare, so the baby would essentially be going to work with me, and he would actually be in the room right next door to me, so I could see him whenever I wanted. My co-workers are fabulous with the infants, so I would have no worries about leaving him with them. The only blip in the plan is that Styles will be going to college and working full time. He will be attending Geneva Colleges Degree Completion Program, which is designed for working adults. This is a major contributor to why I would have to continue working since we have to make tuition payments. I also receive full medical, dental, and vision benefits from work (as does Styles), so I would need to keep working to maintain those and to pay for the babys insurance. Our long-term plan is for me to be a stay-at-home mom, but for the next couple years, that is an impossibility. Eliminate tuition payments, and it would be tight, but doable. Sorry, but right now, my husband finishing his degree is of utmost importance, so he is going whether we have a kid or not. His part is to go, work his ass off, get the degree, and support our family. My part is to go to work for as long as it takes for him to finish regardless of how many kids we have. As you can hopefully assess from this lovely dissertation, as far as the two of us are concerned, we are, in fact, “ready.” Even if my dad werent sick, we would still be “ready.”
Alright, okay, wow. That statement really just hit me. Even if my dad werent sick, we would still be ready. Just because my mom isnt ready, I know, does not matter. WE are still ready. I am so ready to be pregnant, to feel a tiny life growing inside me, to bring it into this world and protect it and teach it and take care of it. I can so clearly see the two of us with a child that it is insane even to me. It’s such a shame that my mother cannont understand this. I hope that, when the time comes, she is able to understand that this is not entirely about my father and her, but also about about Styles and me. It’s about the desire to create something holy in the midst of something tragic.
